Suppose you’re an old fart (or fartette) who doesn’t work outside the home and suddenly or un-suddenly you notice that you’re beyond your ‘fat weight.’  In fact, you may have blown right through that barrier and left it way (weigh) behind.

That’s what happened to me.

I’m a big guy and in the last year and a half, I’ve put on a bunch of pounds.  I tried to burn more calories than I consumed and at first, things worked fine.  Then?  Somewhere along the way, I quit weighing myself and paid no attention to what I shoved in my mouth.

Anything with barbecue sauce is a favorite.

On the “Minimum Wage Diet & Weight-Loss Program” I’ve lost over thirteen pounds so far.  In less than twelve pounds, I’ll be down to what I once called my ‘fat weight.’   Then I’ll focus on my ideal weight, which means I’ll lose another twenty pounds (or so).  The doctors will love me, but most importantly, my wife will love me more than she does right now.  Well, that’s not true (she kicked me when I read that part to her).  She loves me anyway.  Maybe I’ll just feel better about myself.

And it’s easy!

Well, it’s mentally easy.  Here’s what you do…

…get a job.  Not just any job.  Get a minimum wage job (or thereabouts).  You know, a job as a parking lot attendant, janitor, security cop, fast food server, greeter at Wal-Mart, fire-watch in the Forestry Service, retail sales clerk in the mall…

Ideally, the job will require large amounts of time on your feet.  It can be part-time, seasonal, or temporary.

If you were the chief executive of a company (I was), it doesn’t matter.  You only have to want to lose weight.

The “minimum-wage diet and weight-loss program” doesn’t stop there.

If you have a car (as I do), ideally, you should not use it.  Ride on mass transit and walk.  I ride Portland’s Max from the Lloyd Center in the Lloyd District to Downtown (it’s our light rail streetcar).  Walk approximately three-quarters of a mile to the bus or streetcar, three-quarters of a mile from the transit stop to work, then reverse it when you travel home.  If you choose not to use mass transit, at least figure out how to use it.  Dare to do something different.  If you choose to drive your car, don’t park at work.  Park three-quarters to a mile away, then walk.

Cut down on eating, too.  You’re allowed up to three cups of coffee, water, two twelve ounce sodas (or equivalent), one yogurt, a very small bowl of cereal or half a bagel, and two-thirds to half of what you would normally eat for dinner.

Eat less.  Do more.

Every once in a while, declare a “diet holiday.”  Then you can have barbecue, chocolate, ice cream or a few potato chips.  Not a lot!  And you have to resume the program!

If a friend spots you and knots his eyebrows quizzically, pat your belly (or other body part) with the flat of your hand so that it makes a loud popping noise, laugh robustly, and proclaim you are on the “(Your name here) Minimum Wage Diet and Weight Loss Program!”

Be proud.  Be loud.